The Weekly Habit that Keeps Me Out of the Doghouse!

(A version of this story appeared on The Heart of The Matter on April 12, 2023.)

I wrote the date at the top, folded the paper, and slid it into an envelope. Some weeks I’m good at this; some weeks, not so much. For the past 17 years, I’ve written my wife a short note every Wednesday. I usually write a sentence or two about what’s on my mind, what I’m looking forward to, or what’s causing me stress. I let her know that I’m thinking about her, and close with a simple “I love you.” The notes have changed over the years, but they generally follow the same formula.

In the beginning

I started writing her after reading a 2007 novel by author Jason F. Wright called, appropriately enough, The Wednesday Letters. In it, Wright touches on themes of forgiveness and resilience, introducing a character named Jack Cooper who writes a letter every Wednesday to his wife, Laurel. When the older couple tragically passes away on the same night, their three children come together to celebrate their lives through those saved letters.

I finished the book one evening just as my wife came up to bed. She had been working late on school lesson plans and was frustrated about a work issue. I tried to help, but she seemed really down. I felt the need to encourage her and help her through the challenge. From those inauspicious beginnings, my first Wednesday Letter was born.

Putting me on the spot

I sifted through a few old letters recently and laughed at the sheer variety of topics covered over the years—everything from my first car and mutual job challenges to health issues and big dreams for our kids. My creativity and inspiration have taken me in a lot of different directions.

By my estimation, I’ve written more than 800 Wednesday Letters. Oh, I’ve missed a few Wednesdays here and there. Many times my wife doesn’t get her note until Thursday or Friday because I’ve left it sitting on my desk, but it’s a habit I’ve worked hard to keep.

My wife likes to tell her friends about the letters. I suppose it’s her way of showing appreciation for me. As someone who isn’t particularly showy, I’m never quite sure how to react. One partner will inevitably ooh and ahh, saying they wish their loved one would do something similar. Meanwhile, the spouse or partner on the spot will throw me killer dirty looks, saying, “Yo, man, you’re killing me here. Now I’m expected to write a love letter every week. Thanks for nothing!”

I get red-faced, but no one ever hears the actual truth.

If they listened, they’d hear me explain that I write the letters because I’m a writer—it’s what I do.

It’s how I naturally communicate. I’m much more willing to sit down and write a note than to call or text. More than that, it’s my weekly effort to compensate for being a forgetful, crummy husband the other six days of the week.

A method to my madness

I know my faults all too well. I forget to say thank you. I’m brusque, rude, and take things for granted. I can come across as selfish and lazy. I’ve learned from experience that if I intentionally show appreciation during the week, I might make up for the moments when I’m not at my best—and maybe, just maybe, earn the benefit of the doubt.

A mountain of books have been written on relationship advice and the five love languages—words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. I’m no expert on any of them, but this small Wednesday habit is simply my way of showing I care.

It must be working at least a little bit. She hasn’t kicked me out yet, and we’ll celebrate 33 years and counting later this month.

Your Turn!

What about you? Do you or your partner have a small, quirky tradition that keeps things grounded? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.”