I’ve been off this platform almost entirely.
That’s because three months ago, I almost died.
I’ve wrestled with what to say or whether to say anything at all. But what happened has so profoundly impacted my family & me that silence would be false.
- I’ve been off this platform almost entirely. That’s because three months ago, I almost died. I’ve wrestled with what to say or whether to say anything at all. But what happened has so profoundly impacted my family & me that silence would be false.
In May, I went for a routine four mile run. A mile & a half in, I paused to stretch. Suddenly, I felt extremely lightheaded. The next thing I knew I was waking up, flat on the sidewalk, with a woman kneeling over me.She told me I’d been unconscious & said several people had called 911. Help was on the way. I felt incredibly embarrassed. Apologizing & thanking her profusely, I said I was fine & that she didn't need to stay. I tried to sit up but couldn’t. She was incredibly kind.When the ambulance arrived she told the EMT I’d vomited while unconscious. I had no idea. But then I saw the evidence. I realized music was still going in the earbud that hadn’t come out. I thought I just needed a moment, but suddenly felt very ill. They sped me to the hospital.After tests all that night & next day, including a stress test in which I’d run 2 miles to the target HR, all of which seemed to go well, my wife & I expected a discharge in time for after school pick up. We saw a team of doctors heading for us. I expected a lecture on hydration.Instead, the chief cardiologist said, 'You should buy a lottery ticket because you're the luckiest man alive. You’ve been given a second chance. You came back. It’s a miracle you’re alive. I don't know if you believe in God, but somebody up there must have plans for you.'The doctor explained that I’d had a heart attack &, further, that when I had passed out I had actually undergone "sudden cardiac death." Had I not somehow woken up, I would be dead. As they left, another doctor patted my wife’s arm & whispered to her, 'You are so, so lucky.'As the doc described what happened & what was next, I felt everything turn upside down. I’m in my early 40’s, don’t smoke, eat healthy, lift, run 30 miles/week, & have no family history of early heart issues. When I’d been sick, I’d thrown up steel cut oats. This wasn’t the plan.My wife & I cried & prayed & held each other. I felt the terrifying nearness of death & thought of everything I hadn’t done & might never do, especially as a dad & husband. But also as a Christian, a writer, & simply a person. It was too much. Then I was being rushed to the OR.Even though we might deny it, I think nearly all of us operate with the idea that we will live a complete life - seeing our kids grow & marry, become grandparents, grow old. Or at least we think our death will be meaningful & foreseen, with ample time for closure & goodbyes.We don’t think we will leave on a run & never return, our kids never seeing us again. How could we live that way? And yet it is the truth. Our life & every life really is that fragile. That I did wake up, that I did come home is sheer grace, sheer gift. It is so every time.Realizing your life would have ended if you hadn't awoken, that your last breath could be so terribly banal &, for those who love you, so impossibly devastating, clarifies what matters most. It is the brutal & priceless gift no one seeks but for which you cannot be more grateful.I'm still figuring this gift out. But, as a Christian scholar, I feel deeper clarity in my vocation, more freedom from the fear, status-seeking, & unworthy devotion that can corrupt academia, & firmer resolve to love, seek, & stand for what is beautiful, good, & true. Dei gratia.
You’ve been given a gift. Thank you for sharing.